Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Rebuilding Myself

I finished my freshman year of college happy, I felt that I had gotten everything possible out of the year. But as the first few days of summer came and I sat at home waiting for my summer job to begin, I was overcome with some different emotions. I felt disappointed, I felt rejected, and I had lost my self-confidence. I sat there feeling really unclear and hazy about what to do. I started to realize that heartbreak hurts, rejection is hard to shake, and sometimes success doesn't always come easily. I spent countless summer nights breaking down and crying, just trying to find a way to deal with what I was feeling. Eventually, the emotions changed to anger, but thankfully the anger turned into action. I decided that I needed to rebuild myself piece by piece, I needed to find happiness in myself.

So I started broad, I decided I need to focus on the positive. No matter the situation, no matter how bad it gets I need to find positivity. And that’s why I’m sitting here today writing a blog post about how to build yourself up, instead of listing the ways my freshman year led me to defeat. I turned everything upsetting around when my work didn’t schedule me for many hours, I thought "okay great I have more time to work on my blog". When I was so burnt out from working other weeks, I thought "I appreciate the fact that because of the extra money I'm making I will be able to do fun things during the school year". This seems so simple and silly, but it helps it really does.

The next step was to focus on me. I wanted to create a life that made me happy. I painted, I scrapbooked, I online shopped, I watched 7 seasons of Pretty Little Liars in a month, I read, I bought Starbucks: And you know what somehow in doing all of these silly little things I began to rediscover who I am. I got back in touch with things I hadn’t done in months and it felt good. I had responsibilities too, I never skipped work to binge watch a show or do some crafts. But I did spend my free time doing these things. Why? Because it made me happy and it made me feel like myself.

My jobs unexpectedly helped me to build back my confidence. I became the best babysitter, I could be. I made the effort to play with the kids for hours on end even when I would rather be sitting on the couch. I agreed to keep playing with them for an extra hour even when it was past their nap time, so their mom could finish something up. I stayed late, I washed dishes, I raced cars for hours on end, I sang the Itsy Bitsy spider more times than I could count. But at the end of every day when they didn’t want me to leave and their mom couldn’t be more grateful, a little bit of my confidence came back. I realized I can be good at something. It was the same thing with my retail job as well, being able to do something and be successful at it felt so good.

But weirdly enough in a summer of rebuilding myself, I found the most benefit from something I once never thought I would do. I started exercising. I began the summer with a goal to start running, running was a good escape. A way to clear my head and kind of turn my brain off for a little bit. I stuck with running for that reason, but I also started to do yoga. Yoga has the same kind of function as running except its calming, at the end of it, you feel relaxed. Having this way to kind of just let go was beneficial. And I truly believe that when I found time to exercise I was much happier.

You may have wondered why I didn’t mention my blog at all in this very long post, and the truth is that is because my blog was the one thing that was always there, that always made me feel like myself. When I write a post I usually come up with a topic idea and then just start writing. I just kind of let whatever thoughts are in my brain come out and it really helps to make me feel calm. Something about putting your words on paper is very freeing. Suddenly they are not trapped in your brain but released. So here’s to blogging for being the one constant and true.

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2 comments:

  1. Blogs do become a part of us. Keep your bright outlook. Life can be hard sometimes and you are reaching towards what works for you.

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, it means a lot to me!

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