Thursday, September 7, 2017

Taking Your Time

I've been staring at a blank computer screen for days now, writing a paragraph and deleting it over and over again trying to find the words to say what I've been wanting. I want to express my fears, I want to share that I'm okay, and I want to show I'm moving on. I guess I so badly want to put it on paper so that maybe I can get to the point where I believe it. A point where I almost begin to trick myself into thinking it's true. 

So here's the thing about me, when something goes wrong in my life I don't want my friends to pity me and try and fix me. What I want is for someone to sit there with me and feel with me. I want someone to look at me and say that my feelings are justified and that everything will be alright. I don't want people trying to fix my life. Because I know that all healing begins with yourself. I guess that's why I write these blog posts because it gives me the opportunity to release my emotion without having to deal with someone trying to find the solution. These posts are therapeutic and comforting in a way that is incredibly difficult for me to explain. 

But the past few days have been tough, and I want to be able to tell someone that. I want someone to know that sometimes I struggle. I've been spending the last 5 months trying to find closure, trying to find a way to close a chapter of my life. But I haven't been able to. The problem is that as much as I know I need to close this chapter, I don't want to. I'm not ready to let go of the memories, even though I know I'll be so much happier once I do. Hanging on has not only brought me stress but it also influences decisions I make. 

I know what majority of my friends and maybe even what you are thinking right now: Ashley get over it, move on. But guess what I know that, I know I need to move on. It's just hard for me. I'm happy, I'm enjoying life but somehow this little cloud just always seems to be hanging over my head. I know eventually, I'll find peace within myself with the situation and I'll get there. But until then I'm going to enjoy the journey of self-discovery, because if anything I know this will be a positive experience in regards to that. I think it's okay to take your time getting to the point of peace and happiness, don't be afraid to take the time you need. You know what's best for you, trust in that. 

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