Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Commitment

One thing I recently discovered about myself is that I have a fear of commitment. When I initially figured this out it surprised me. I'm the type of girl that wears matching pajama sets to bed, plans my life meticulously in a planner, and gets dressed and ready every morning before class. How could I be the type of girl that was scared of commitment? But the more I thought about it the more it made sense. 

I've told my closest friends 100 or more times about how in college I want to have a boyfriend but I don't necessarily want him to be my forever. I don't want to date someone now with the intention of marrying them. I want to date them because they make me happy now at this very moment. Someone who likes to go out on the weekends, who will come visit me at work just to make me smile, who will go to Krispy Kreme at 11PM, and who will watch TV while we procrastinate our homework. But I know I won't always be the girl who dances her way through frats and enjoys a midnight sugar rush, so it is difficult for me to want to commit to someone. 

This is because I don't think the person I am today is the person that I'll be 5 years from now. Actually, I know I won't be. Not that I plan to change dramatically, but I'm at a different point in my life now. Right now, I'm not thinking about someone to build a future with, I'm not thinking about someone to raise a family with. Right now, I'm thinking about sorority functions and future aspirations. I'm thinking about enjoying the one point in my life when I'm completely free to be the person I want to be. I'm trying new things and trying to find the person I want to become. 

So yes, I'm scared of commitment. Because I'm still working on myself, I'm still trying to figure out who I want to be. It doesn't mean that I won't meet someone who changes and evolves perfectly to fit my life now and later. Just that I am open to the possibility that I may find that happiness in different people. And that's okay because to grow, to learn, and to develop is a beautiful thing. And as much as I want to be happy today; I want the future careerwoman, wife, mom side of me to be happy too.

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